Author: strachanlhizz

thinking of you today..

My Nana,

In June the entire family came together at Nick’s in Connecticut. It was so nice spending time with the family, laughing and enjoying eachothers’ company. You would have loved to be there, Nana (Somehow, I’m sure you were).

My mom, Ellen, Steve, Dave, Nick, Nick’s friend, and I took a boat out to Duck Island. The rest of the group stayed on land, watching us from the deck. You better believe there were binoculars… there were Strachan’s there! Your ashes were scattered near where Papa’s were and flowers floated above you and out to sea.

So much has happened in the almost year and a half since you’ve been gone.

On Friday, Abbie will be a 3 year old! Pancakes is sweet as ever, sleeping most of her days away (dreaming about Slink, I presume). Little white butterflies flew circles around them this summer, each time I would tell the girls, “There’s Nana!”

I’ll never forget the five thousand times you would ask me, “Why do they live here?”, referring to the pups. You’re face was always so serious.

Erika and I are getting married next June! Ah, how I’d give anything for you to be there. Nicolle and Aronn are engaged, too! (Finally, we know!) Lots and lots of planning ahead of all of us!

Keep looking down on us; kisses to Papa and Slinkie.

Love,

Your Bodyguard

 

You are my best memory

My Nana,
My mind wanders to our memories daily. The home we shared the past couple of months of your life feels empty in a way. You filled this house with so much love, wisdom, and laughter, but you’re missing. That’s the hardest part for me.
I’d give anything to sit beside you and hold your hand; to see your beautiful smile.
The thought that you’re no longer in this life with us still seems surreal. You’ve been a constant my entire life. Through all of my childhood moves, moods, and travels, you’ve been there.
It’s hard to let that go.
The girls miss you. I say your name and Pancakes cried. Abbie looks around and I know she remembers your name. We were all so positively impacted by your presence in our home.
Little white butterflies… Is that you? Maybe not, but I’ll hold onto the idea that it’s your spirit checking in.
Forever my best memories,
Lhizz

Ps we are all okay

signed, nana’s bodyguard

dear nana…

It’s different here. This house isn’t the same and my morning routine is thrown off.
11am… That’s my “Nana Duty” time. Put down the coffee cup, put my phone on the charger, bring the dogs inside… That’s the time you get my undivided attention.
I find myself missing the little things. 
I always liked crushing up your medicine; not sure why, but it gave me a sense of importance, as you needed the medications.
Forehead kisses every time I entered and left your room, combined with “I love you, my Nana” whispered to you.
I miss tucking you in. I had a “system”… You wouldn’t be too cold or too hot; not under my watch!
Your laugh, more like a nana giggle..  and that sweet smile. You had the most beautiful smile.
I miss watching you… Looking over at you while you’re up in your chair reading a book and watching to make sure you’re sleeping comfortably when you’re in bed.
And the pups, oh how they love you! Abbie pawing at your arm, ever so gently, looking for a good pat on the head… Taking her “Nana Watch” duty very seriously as she’d check on you in the doorway of your room. She did this daily.
Pancakes spent a good deal of time sleeping just outside your room. If anyone entered she made sure she saw what was going on.
Nana, you have always been so important. You left such a positive imprint on my life…. Forever grateful for the opportunity to be called your granddaughter.
I love you and miss you. Tell Papa and Slinkie that I thank them tremendously for guiding you so peacefully.

signed, nana’s bodyguard

role reversal

It’s interesting how life works.
When you’re born, you are completely dependant on those around you. Eating, drinking, talking, walking…. It’s impossible to accomplish those tasks without assistance and guidance. The next few years are filled with absorbing. You’re a sponge; a young impressionable being that is impressed by the world.
As you grow older you have the belief that you’ve got it, you know everything there is to possibly know, and you yearn for others to recognize your
Independence. You stumble, you trip, and you fall… But you don’t need that helping hand forever, not like you did as a child. You’re an adult now… And “you’ve got this”.
As we age, we resort back to that dependency we had as children. Self-care is no longer our forte, but a task that becomes daunting. Others are needed to step in to help us. We become reliant, often times reluctantly, on those we cared for while they were young.

I’ll be that person for you Nana… I’ve got this.

image

signed, nana’s bodyguard

thankful…

Having Nana at our house has made me realize, even more than I had before, how important we are to each other. I’ve always loved Nana, I just never knew how much of a positive impact she’s had on my life.
I am thankful for the family she has created for us. I’m thankful for her children, who in one way or another, has helped shape me. She gave me my mother. I’m blessed to have parents who have shown me unconditional love, especially through the hard times we’ve endured.
I am thankful for having this opportunity. I am so blessed to have a grandparent to spend time with, to listen to her stories, and learn from her.
I knew that, when this opportunity presented itself, I had to take it. I’m not sure who benefits more from this… But I’m pretty sure it’s me.

I love you, Nana.

signed, nana’s bodyguard

thanking God…

As I went into Nana’s bedroom last night, she was grabbing onto her bedrails. I couldn’t help but think I was about to encounter another sleepless night. As I walked towards her bed, Nana started getting very emotional and talking very fast (I couldn’t understand anything she was saying; she’s been talking poorly the past couple of days). She stretched out her arms for me and was crying. I leaned down to give her a hug and ask her what was wrong. She kept pulling me closer and tighter and wouldn’t let me go… She said, in between wimpers,  “I’m happy.”
I smiled and told her I was happy too. I wanted E to come into Nana’s room, because it’s important for me to share these moments (as I know I could never “recreate the moment” with words; I’d do the moment zero justice). It’s as if she read my mind because she met me at Nana’s bedside, greeted by outstretched arms, welcoming her in for a Nana hug.
The tears kept flowing with a few sweet Nana giggles thrown in the mix. After the hugs subsided, Nana made sure that we were all happy. She pointed at both of us individually and asked, “are you happy?” It sounds like such a simple question, one you hear every once a in a while. This version of the question seemed so complex as if there was such meaning behind it.
Once the conclusion was made that we were all in a good place, Nana turned her attention to God, thanking Him.
It’s nice to hear Nana talking about The Big Man. With church/religion having played such an important role in her life, it’s heartwarming to know that she will always have her faith.

“We should sing. Should we sing?”
Nana’s a goofball.
E told Nana that she’s not a good singer. Nana nodded and said that she isn’t either. I told Nana that it would be best to leave the singing to Papa .

Nana nodded and said, “I guess so.”

signed, nana’s bodyguard

my superhero

Nana always tells me that I’m strong. I usually tell her that I’m a superhero, which makes her laugh that adorable “Nana laugh”.
I was thinking the other day as we exchanged this routine banter that she is my superhero.
She is the strong one.
I think back to 2008 and most of 2009 (You know, the years that I took for granted, not ever imagining what my Nana would endure throughout the following years). That was a time filled with me racing her to solve the Wheel of Fortune words or phrases, calling her a cheater when I’d see her peek at all the cards while playing solitaire, and Slinkie nestling her perfect little puppy-self on her lap.

Then the last couple of months in 2009 came along…
I remember that phone call from my ma as if it were yesterday. “Nana has cancer.” I guess those are words I never could have fathomed hearing. I immediately called Emiley and we just cried. We headed up to the hospital together, both trying out hardest to keep it together in front of our mom, for our mom. We were scared and thought that we would lose her.
The next few months were touch-and-go.
December 1, 2009 – the day before my birthday…. I was at home with my mom when I heard her yell for me. Nana had been in the bathroom and my mom noticed that Nana had had a stroke. I will never forget scooping her tiny little frame up in my arms and laying her in her bed as my mom called 911. I prayed and I held her hand. I told Nana how much I love her and I watched her… I kept imagining every breathe might be her last…. Up until that day I don’t think I had ever felt such fear and sadness as I did while I ran my fingers through her hair, kissed her forehead… And kept praying .
Nana fought. She fought through surgery. She battled chemo and blazed through radiation.
Christmas came and she was at Plymouth Place (which was great Because Nicolle, Heather, and Amber all worked there at the time so they kept tabs on her). As we were opening presents at home my ma got a phone call saying that Nana had fallen out of bed. I went to see her right away and brought her Christmas present I had gotten her with me… An awesome ornament from Pier 1… With penguins on it. Nana was sleeping when I arrived, so I hung the ornament on the window next to her bed with a small suction cup I had found in our kitchen junk drawer (I swear, there’s one of everything, plus some, in there!)
Nana has been through more than I could ever imagine. She doesn’t get a break.. every day for her is filled with being woken up to family, cna’s, nurses…the puppies…. Rolling her over, adjusting her bed, adjusting her pillow, the dogs sniffing at her… And never once have I heard her complain… Except about the dogs. “Theyre a nuisance.” (That’s a whoooole other post)
Nana smiles. She smiles often. When she’s happy, I’m happy.

signed, nana’s bodyguard

May 18, 2015

The CNA from hospice came this morning. Once she was done washing Nana up and was in the kitchen filling out paperwork, I asked her if Nana gave her any problems. Sometimes she likes to yell at her to get out of her room, but this morning she was a doll (I’m sure that’s due to her sleeping through the entire bathing routine)!

9pm and still snoozing. Tomorrow I’m going to tell her to get a job.